I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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