She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
