That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
