I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Randomize