Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
