You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
