so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
pray to the hookup gods
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
