We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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