Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
