I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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