I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
