but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just found a bag of teeth...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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