forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
