that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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