we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
