The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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