My hand turned me down
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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