This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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