Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
