Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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