he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
