Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
