listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
a search helicopter?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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