you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
