I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
