I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
