I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
