Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
