how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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