nut hugger
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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