so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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