Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I would fuck him just for his dog
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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