I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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