Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
