I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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