oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
