I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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