i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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