i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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