just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Then you guys just all showered together...?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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