guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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