have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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