I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
