It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
