On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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