man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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