I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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