Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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