whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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