you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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