Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
