make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
