Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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