Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
