And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
organizing the empties. That sober.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
