My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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