I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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